Harry's gang: These are gifts that never gave

Gift certificates are very popular presents. They have been since at least 1978, when my sister Zora gave me a McDonald's certificate for Christmas. Fifty cents, which bought a burger and maybe a drink back then. I don't know what it could buy now, but I'm sure it could still buy something, because I still have the gift certificate, safely stored in my home office along with my passport and the kids' birth certificates. I'll probably let my heirs fight over it after I'm gone.

They'll have quite a few to fight over. I seem to collect gift certificates like some people collect mismatched socks. I'm sure I am not alone.

After I sold my pizza restaurant, I went through the gift certificate book and tallied all the sales and redemptions. About 36 percent of the total value we sold over the years was never redeemed - 36 percent. That's a lot. No wonder stores push gift certificates around the holidays. They're profit machines.

Back in 1981, one of the sales guys at the WAKX radio station in Duluth needed his car washed for a date. He asked me to do it. (I liked to hang around the station, and he was probably trying to get rid of me, I realize now.) So he tossed me his keys and off I went to the car wash. I detailed that car, as only a teenage boy can do, and returned it to him in about two hours. I suspect he wished I had taken longer. But the car was showroom-clean and he was impressed. He reached into his desk and gave me a $10 gift certificate to Grandma's Saloon & Deli, as it was called back then. Don't believe me? Stop by my office, and I'll show it to you. It's never been used.

A while back, I joined the Spirit Airlines "$9 Fare Club", which is a lot like most airline perks programs. You earn points on every flight, and if you use their credit card, you get two points for every dollar spent. Now, to many of you, getting cheap flights on Spirit doesn't hold much charm, as the seats are squeezed tight together and "no frills" means you pay even for carry-on luggage. But as a big guy who travels light, I'm going to be uncomfortable on airline seats anyway. So why not save a few bucks? The credit card fee is $69 per year and I've accumulated well over 160,000 points. Spirit was recently sold to Frontier, I think, and all those points will disappear into the friendly skies. Maybe they should start calling it the "36 Percent Club" now. I'll be a proud member.

I have a paper-thin sun-faded gift certificate for a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. It expired in 1985. I think I held onto it thinking that some retailer would be willing to accept an expired coupon. As time marches on, it seems less and less likely. I'd be too embarrassed to try to redeem it around here now. Maybe I'll bring it to Texas when I go to visit my brother Tom in April. I better put that on my calendar, though, as I recall promising to bring it when I came to Texas for his wedding ... in 1992.

My strategy has worked for others, though. I donated a gift certificate for my legal services. I'd draft a will and other estate planning documents, and my friend Vance bought it. It expires after one year, and last week he called me to ask if I'd extend the deadline. Of course I said "yes." Maybe Pepsi will be so generous? I'll probably never find out.

I once wrote a nice review of a Superior restaurant, and the owner sent me a gift certificate to his newest project, big enough for dinner and drinks for two. That was one certificate I planned to actually use. A few months later, he was arrested for some pretty serious charges and was deported. I never got to use the certificate. I heard his food was good, though.

I bet many of you have old gift certificates you just can't throw out. Some time ago they passed a law in Minnesota so gift cards can't deduct a monthly service charge or dormancy fee, although there are some exceptions (like Visa gift cards and the like). Most gift certificates don't expire, which means while I can't get around to using them, I have no incentive to throw them out.

It's my birthday this week. Presents and cards are welcome, but please: No gift certificates.

Pete Radosevich is the publisher of the Pine Knot News community newspaper and an attorney in Esko who hosts the cable access talk show Harry's Gang on CAT-7. His opinions are his own. Contact him at [email protected].